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Some(Many) problems with A.M

June 20, 2009

There are few practices in our country which makes me to think that are they mad in creating such practices or their followers made a real mess of it while following it. I am really furious with the way our arranged marriages are happening.

Before I could say my concerns on this let us see the various process involved in it:

  • Once the parents decides that their son/daughter were ready for the marriage they will start searching for suitable bride/bridegroom for them through various means(registering in sites, brokers, their kiths and kins, etc..)
  • They will get the photos and from that they will first select them. They will ask about the family through various persons and then they will call up the bride/bridegroom’s parents(I think mostly the call will be from boy’s side) and explain their willingness.
  • First hurdle: One fine day, some members from boy’s side(sometimes with the boy) will go to girl’s house to see her(not to mention eating Bhajji’s & coffee/tea). So by what they have seen they will come back to discuss about whether the girl was suitable for their family(!!!!!) and the same discussion will go on in girl’s house(most of the times the opinion of the girl will never be heard).
  • Second hurdle: After the mutual likeness between both the boy and girl’s house, they will go for horoscope match to see whether the planets of both of them working properly and mutually understanding. If it is not, they will drop there itself and go for the next one.
  • Third hurdle: So now the horoscopes are matched and boy’s side important relatives will go to girl’s home to speak about how much they will give(in terms of gold soverigns, money and things). Boy’s side will start from higher side and girl’s side from lower side. (More than boy’s parents, their relatives will be more keen Β to talk about this and advise boy’s parents that you must ask this much… ‘do you know their DIL has brought this much to their home and is our boy is inferior.. or our family… we should not accept anything below this.’) If it crosses this one, then half the problem is over.
  • Fourth hurdle: After this there will be much less hurdle as the talk will be only on how they are going to divide the expenses of marriage and the planning will go on. Only a big difference in opinion can stop the marriage now.
  • So if all the hurdles are passed the marriage will happen successfully.

So that’s how the procedure goes on, I think. Here are my concerns on that:

As always, I will question the practice of getting dowry from the girl’s parents. I don’t know how the boy’s side goes and begs for some amount of money from girl’s parents to take care of her. If the boy was not able to take care of her, no need for marriage and all. And I will also blame the girl’s parents for giving willingly. But this is such a bad thing that somehow came into practice and ruined the life of many girls(I need a separate post to say my view on this).

I never liked the thought of girls standing in front of some unknown people so that they can rate her on how she will fit into their family. Just think of the thoughts going through her when somebody rejects her for some reason. As expected, girls will be blamed for this also(other’s decision).

Now comes the most important thing which came to my thought… now-a-days everybody were having their cellphones so once the parents decides to go to bride’s home o see her, both the girl and boy starts conversing over the phone thinking that he/she was his/her wife/husband. As they keep on talking some kind of closeness will be between them now. In this background, parents of both the sides will be matching the horoscopes, go on to talk about dowry and will be enquiring about the girl/boy family. So if some misunderstanding creeps in means they will ready to broke and start searching for another. But what will happen if the boy and girl understood each other in the mean time very well and the deal for marriage brokes out. They might have told to their friends about their mariage happenings and all. So they will be devasted, when they hear this from their parents and they will have a hard time in telling the details to their friends, even though they will understand it. But they will be affected mentally by this.

I don’t know how they can overcome this. And I am thinking that this will be a serious problem.

P.S. : Don’t say that parents are changed and this are all very unlikely to happen. This is about the whole India and not the city we are living in.

P.S.2: HP Update: I have completed the 3rd book Prisoner of Azkaban and off to the 4th one Goblet of Fire πŸ™‚

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32 Comments leave one →
  1. June 20, 2009 4:27 pm

    ding !

  2. June 20, 2009 4:43 pm

    Man… Arrange marriage has its own sweet ways… !!! you just read this… : http://hitchwriter.wordpress.com/2009/03/03/whirl-wind-trip-home-but-it-was-great-really-great/

    I have always wanted to eat those samosa’s !! at the girls house… never got that chance… !!!

    and dude … what are you saying… Dowry is our right !!!!!! Dont make this mistake i made… !!!!!! :mrgreen: !!! demand your rites !!! lol….

    What sir… you need to meet my brothers… they have read all parts of harry potter… !! and that too twice… !!! and they have seen the movie atleast 5 times each… and that is why i m fed up of it… !!!

    • June 20, 2009 5:16 pm

      Will read it dhiren.. now moving out to meet my friends πŸ™‚

      oh poor you….. why they didn’t given it you??? *harassment* *harassment* πŸ˜› πŸ˜›

      ‘Dowry is our right’ πŸ˜› πŸ˜› LOL πŸ˜†

      Wow… I am in the league of your brothers πŸ™‚ I am yet to watch the movies as it will reduce the thrill of reading the book… I have all of them in my PC.. but the books tied me up now from watching it now πŸ™‚
      I thought you have read and fed up with it… now got the reason… I am sure nobody will get fed up after reading it πŸ™‚

  3. June 20, 2009 4:47 pm

    Kanagu – You have listed out a lot of important points.. Though I am tempted to say that things are changing – despite your warning πŸ™‚ Yes, you are right.. it is the most of India that you are talking about – and very little had changed – if you think of it..

    Totally agree about dowry – ‘don’t know how the boy’s side goes and begs for some amount of money from girl’s parents to take care of her. If the boy was not able to take care of her, no need for marriage and all. And I will also blame the girl’s parents for giving willingly.’ You know even girls have no issue with dowry – they feel that it is their ‘right’ and that it will help ‘establish their position’ in the boys house!!! How ridiculous is that!! I think things will change only when men and women are treated equally – and it will probably take a long time to change that..

    Great post!

    • June 20, 2009 5:23 pm

      Yes Smitha.. really the change is very very small… but Its happening in cities also… 😐

      That’s how it goes Smitha… we are product of our environment… the girl will be living around the people who believe that girl will live happily if we pay good dowry and the same thoughts coming to her.. no wonder 😦

      Thanks Smitha πŸ™‚

  4. June 20, 2009 4:47 pm

    ‘Update: I have completed the 3rd book Prisoner of Azkaban and off to the 4th one Goblet of Fire’ – Congratulations!!! πŸ™‚

  5. kaddhu permalink
    June 20, 2009 11:23 pm

    I can give you a major spoiler too the rest of the HP books πŸ™‚ ! I’ve read each at leat 5 times..I’m a big fan!!
    I agree with your views about arranged marriage, but then there is no guarantee that a love marriage will succeed. So, we can’t really say any one form is better/worse than the other. They both have their pros and cons.
    But you’re right about the procedures in an arranged marriage. They should be modified.

    • June 21, 2009 3:11 am

      First of all welcome here Kaddhu πŸ™‚
      Ahhhh.. no… no spoilers.. then it won’t be interesting πŸ™‚

      I am not comparing the love marriage and arranged marriage here… I am just citing the difficulties in a arranged marriage for the girl and boy πŸ™‚

      It needs some modification now πŸ™‚

  6. June 20, 2009 11:28 pm

    hm….. there are actually two sides to “arranged marriages”…

    one is as you described…. and the other which I see a lot these days… is when people mutually like each other and agree on terms and conditions…..

    Arranged marriage does have a thrill to it…. πŸ˜‰
    ROFL at book 3….. enjoy dude πŸ˜›

    • June 21, 2009 3:13 am

      It’s very small in number Ajit.. thats what I am trying to say… It happened to one of my friend so I have written in it here… What you have said is a very small percentage 😦

      Yes it has dude… πŸ˜‰

      thanks machi πŸ™‚

  7. June 21, 2009 11:39 am

    rural india still marries for money … i guess there r laws n appropriate mediums like street plays, councelling centres, n modernisation of villages by various NGO’s …to go a long way in educating the needy about this social menace.

    but here in urban cities, only guys n girls can change it by going against all parental and/or relatives wishes…the changes r there for us to see πŸ˜›

    Arranged marriage meets without the horoscope matching n subsequent ‘asset rating’ of the prospective bride can be taken in the same league as blind dates set up by ur friends or well-wishers…the making of ‘contracts’ dirties the whole affair 😦

    • June 21, 2009 3:08 pm

      Yes Vinnie… you are partly right… not only rural India… even the Urban India marriages for money.. shame 😑

      People were dare think beyond which makes the situation worse 😦

      /*Arranged marriage meets without the horoscope matching n subsequent β€˜asset rating’ of the prospective bride can be taken in the same league as blind dates set up by ur friends or well-wishers…*/

      true πŸ™‚

  8. June 21, 2009 4:09 pm

    very true and exactly the aspects I dislike about AM

  9. June 21, 2009 6:47 pm

    Its not just our country. We are where USA was 60 years back. See – Mona Lisa Smile, if you want to know what I mean. I think things are changing, but it will take its own sweet time.
    I am going through the same phase. Except for the third hurdle, everything would be the same. πŸ™‚

    • June 22, 2009 2:03 am

      Congrats Amit.. πŸ™‚ hope to hear your wedding bells soon πŸ™‚

      and it will take its time I know… but until then many has to suffer.. 😦

  10. June 22, 2009 3:41 pm

    looks like someone is in love and need to prove that AM is a problem and how LM should be promoted πŸ˜› πŸ˜›

    • June 27, 2009 11:30 am

      no no no…. another misinterpretation.. πŸ˜› πŸ˜›

      I am not into love πŸ™‚

  11. Mystery permalink
    June 22, 2009 6:50 pm

    good one kanagu. great analysis..
    those hurdles are very difficult to cross.. the question u raised as to what will happen to the girl/boy if the marriage tlks end after 2nd or 3rd hurdle always haunts in my mind. I believe in arranged marriages but i still dont figure out how anyone can decide whether the girl/boy would suit you/your family just by having a look at the person and asking few questions.
    I am ok with parents giving some money/gold to their daughters when she is getting married. but the boy’s side demanding it is not acceptable by me.

    • June 27, 2009 11:32 am

      thanks Mystery πŸ™‚

      thats the question I am also having in my mind.. how they look and decide..

      /*I am ok with parents giving some money/gold to their daughters when she is getting married. but the boy’s side demanding it is not acceptable by me.*/

      but this one is good and as well as bad because when a family has 2 sons… if the 1st son gets something from the bride’s family the same is expected by the boy’s parent side for their 2nd son.. 😦

  12. June 22, 2009 8:39 pm

    I agree with all that you have written about the arranged marriage Kanagu..

    things happen like this..but also like OG aid things also happen with mutual consent..so its not as bad as it sounds..trust me..I have seen friends who have taken it as more of a date…and they have liked the respective guys..but then again..its a very small percentage that’s like this or is even given the freedom to do so…

    but I would still say Kanagu that arranged marriage or love marriage both have their pros and cons…

    the biggest difference is in the fact that love marriages are all about having the freedom to choose one’s partner..while in the case of Arranged marriages very FEW parents will be okay with treating this as kind of dating..
    sad situation all around.. 😦

    • June 27, 2009 11:34 am

      I agree Indyeah.. both AM and LM have their own pros and cons..

      true Inyeah… in AM very few parents asks their children choices as they consider that also as their duty 😦

  13. June 23, 2009 2:13 pm

    Personally I hate arranged marriages and I think its for losers who can’t find a partner. Anyway if I have to have an arranged marriage I am GOING TO BLOODY ARRANGE IT MYSELF πŸ™‚

    Oh and marriage by default should be because you want to get married not because mommy and daddy want you to get married.

    • June 27, 2009 11:36 am

      Hmmm… I know that odzer πŸ™‚

      yes… the procedure being followed is really pointless 😦

      /*Oh and marriage by default should be because you want to get married not because mommy and daddy want you to get married.*/]

      True odzer πŸ™‚

  14. June 24, 2009 4:29 pm

    AM is much better than love at first sight – in which kids are going only by the looks. I don’t think the Indian society gives enough avenues to understand the other person (in terms of dating etc.). So, it is better that marriages are a family affairs. At least the extremes can be prevented this way. And if the guy and girl don’t want to take money – they can do this even in a perfectly AM. They just need to insist as much.

    Destination Infinity

    • June 27, 2009 11:37 am

      yes its better.. but there are many loves which are not at first sight… but by understanding DI πŸ™‚

      /*And if the guy and girl don’t want to take money – they can do this even in a perfectly AM. */

      True DI… it will solve half the problem in AM

  15. June 26, 2009 1:59 pm

    I agree with you comepletely. The bets thing would be for the ppl to find their own bride/groom and elope and marry πŸ˜› πŸ˜›

  16. June 27, 2009 3:41 pm

    Good arguments, mate… Lets hope that with time, things get *better*. πŸ™‚

    Anyway, I have A LOT of time to think about my wedding. πŸ˜› πŸ˜›

    πŸ˜‰

    Peace.

    • June 27, 2009 11:03 pm

      Me too have a lot of time.. but this post made people to think that I am hurrying πŸ˜› πŸ˜›

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